Built By Love.

How Love Forges Identity and Masculinity.

I was a senior in high school, and it was the last-ever parent-teacher conference. All of my teachers had good things to say about me to my mom. I had good grades and good behavior. My guidance counselor was also there. I didn't like him very much. I thought he went too far to try and relate to students. I felt he was making me and other seniors apply for scholarships that we didn't qualify for, wasting time and energy. I was a shy and introverted kid and I tried hard not to make my dislike of him evident.

My guidance counselor stood up. Calling me out on it. I felt guilty. Then, he uttered something that shook me to the core. "But...I love you." My other teachers looked at me. A couple smiled at me as though he'd said what they were thinking. My stomach was in my throat. It was one of the first times a man had said that to me. The next morning, I sat in his office, watching him type on his computer. I sat in silence, fighting tears like I never had before. Guys don't cry. Not in school. Man up. You're eighteen.

I had spent most of my life feeling unmanly. But when my guidance counselor looked me in the eye and said those words, I felt like I could take on the world. We live in a world that ties masculinity to performance. You are a man if you can fix a truck, start a business, join the military, be great at sports, and do a whole host of other things. You're a man if you dominate women and don't show emotion. Bite the bullet. If you're not sweating blood, then are you even sweating? It's all about being strong, powerful, mighty, and conquering!

Don't be vulnerable, don't hug other men. You must protect your masculinity at all costs, or you'll lose it! That's the message that we're getting. Now, being a strong man and taking action isn't a bad thing at all. However, the message reflects a deeper problem beneath the surface.

I was adopted and raised by a single mom. It was just me and her. No daddy. Fatherlessness was a wound I carried for a very long time. A significant thing that fathers do for their sons is affirm and validate their worth as boys and men. Growing up, my self-worth and self-esteem were in the gutter most of the time. I didn't feel like I was enough in my masculinity.

Ideally, having a healthy inner self-worth leads to emotional security, which allows men (and women) to show up for each other. Some men cope with this lack by being hyper-masculine. This is what the world would call toxic masculinity. On the other side of the scale is withdrawal, which is what I did. I built 2-inch thick concrete walls around my heart and went into survival mode. I mostly did what I thought would get me approval from the people who mattered to me-my mom, family, and teachers. Good behavior and good grades. These walls that were supposed to protect me actually imprisoned me. It kept the negative stuff out, but the positive stuff couldn't penetrate either. Including the affirmations from my grandfather and other men.

I remember one of the first things I thought when my guidance counselor said he loved me. "Why?" Despite being a Christian for many years and understanding the gospel, it didn’t make sense to me at the time.

Two things: Love doesn't make sense and Love lifts you up. That's why everyone wants it, and many feel they don't deserve it. Love doesn't require people to prove their worth. Instead, love gives them worth. It wants the good of others. It doesn't need anything. It is patient, kind, selfless, and keeps no records of wrongs, etc. (1 Corinthians 13). I've had numerous times as an adult when male friends gave me warm hugs when I was having cold days. I noticed that when I was held past the socially recommended 3-second limit or received a cuddle, head scratch, or some other healthy platonic touch, I felt more masculine, not less.

Way back in 2017, College Football coach Tom Herman created a stir in the media. His crime? Giving each of his players a hug and a kiss on the cheek before they went onto the field. According to an article on The Oklahoman, he wanted to empower them with love before they went out to play a sometimes dangerous sport. Also, some of the players didn't have fathers, and that was the first time they received that kind of affection.

The beloveds can perform from love rather than striving to be loved, empowering them to act confidently and authentically. Love is a choice. Jonathan chose to love David before he became king. Coach Herman chose to love his players before they went onto the field. My guidance counselor chose to love me, even though I hadn't been very kind to him. God chose to love us even while we were sinners and separated from Him.

Love builds us up into our identity. An identity built by love improves our confidence, resilience and security. Love builds us up so we can live from a place of who we are, not what we do. In turn, we can be better men, women, neighbors, and friends to those around us. True strength isn't about proving yourself. It's about knowing that you're already loved. Start with a foundation of love and build from there! Sounds pretty manly, doesn't it?

Originally published at freemanwire.substack.com